"Oh, Joo's not going to be home for dinner. We can finally put her gift together." -Susan

Today is July 31st. Joo's birthday was April 1st. Today when Susan and I got home from work, we received a phone call from Joo saying that she would be hanging out with Hannah tonight and will not be home for dinner. Hannah was picking her up directly from her class. Susan dragged out the gigantic 27"x41" frame and 26"x40" poster from her room and we stealthily put it together with just a minor irritation of the bottom left corner frame not fitting perfectly. Joo probably will not even notice. Until of course she reads my blog.

We bought the poster in April but could not find any frames big enough to fit it. The standard poster size frame is 24"x36". We searched through Target, Michaels, Bed, Bath & Beyond, and even Ikea. No luck. We thought of getting it custom framed but it was way over our budget. Someone suggested that we check out Aaron Brothers and there we finally found the frame big enough to fit the poster.

What kind of a poster is it? It's the Chagall "Die Zieberflote" poster. Chagall is Joo's favorite artist and Die Zieberflote by Mozart is Joo's favorite opera. We tried to get her tickets to the opera in April but they were already sold out. At least she gets to enjoy the poster for a longer period of time to remember us for a long time to come.

I tell you, the things you're motivated to do when you can clearly imagine a friend's face lighting up with a joyful glee!

"The professor said something at one point that totally made me think of you!" -Joo

Yesterday morning, Joo was shockingly the first one up because Peter was picking her up at 7:40AM to go to an all day class at Fuller. She even managed to make herself some espresso to take with her. By the time I was out of the shower, she was gone. When she got to the class, no one was there...because the class didn't start until 9AM. Peter had gotten his class schedule confused and robbed Joo of one long extra hour of precious sleep.

The class was about postmodernity. Joo imitated the professor's British accent for us. What was the part that made her think of me? When the professor described part of postmdernity character as "infantalism". He claimed that people are addicted to Starbuck's for the comforting experience and not just the coffee. They provide a calm, secure, relaxing atmosphere. He also mentioned that this is why cartoons are becoming so popular, especially Japanese anime. Because we want to be kids again. AHA...so there lies the secret of my youth!

"When I first met you I saw a beautiful sketch of graceful pencil lines and touches of shading. Now as I get to know you, subtle tones of color are flowing gradually into the hollow whiteness, slowly filling it in, providing depth and personality. The colors are mingling, creating new shades of meaning. These colors form chalk-drawn arrows on sidewalk that I must follow, in hopes of finding more of you." -Jason Killingsworth

In the comic book Mars, Kira describes Rei's colors as being strong, beautiful, and sad. I wonder what my colors would be....

"If I Could Tell You"

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The wind must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

By, W.H. Auden

What a beautiful poem about the uncertainties of life. I've been wondering what life would look like for me in a month or two as I transition out of my current occupation. Some decisions have already been made such as where to live. I will stay where I am in Pasadena. But I can't even tell you this with a hundred percent certainty. It's in the future and I don't know the future. So today I enjoyed my familiar routine and the security it brings, albeit temporary.

"Oh, I thought you were a missionary." -Chuck

I visited chubby little Payton last night with Steve. Of course the parents were home as well. Since the arrival of their first born son two months ago, Chuck and Nan can seldom join us for social activities so naturally there was some catching up to do.

"I had an interview on Monday."

"Really? Where?"

"At Metropolitan Talent Agency."

"Oh, you're not going to be working at another missions agency?"

The idea of working in one job my entire life is not at all appealing to me. If I was not restricted by time, ability, or education, there are hundreds of jobs I would like to take a stab at. I have already accumilated the titles teacher and mission mobilizer. To me, having the heart of a missionary is far more important than having the title of a missionary.

Please allow my thoughts to carry me away in speculations at this time. When I look back at the past twelve years of my life, missions have been central. After my Mom's death, I became severely disillusioned about human relationships. Prior to this ground shattering in my life understanding, relationships were the central basis for meaning in my life - family, friends, love, etc. I gradually shifted the focus of meaning in life to the cause of missions. It seemed more stable and trustworthy. I was so willing to sacrifice my relationships for the cause. How ironic to find that the more I got involved in missions the more I saw that even the cause of missions is based upon relationships. Well, I am only speculating all this. I don't even know if it's really true. I'm just saying that it could be.

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. .... There is no shortage of good days. It is good lives that are hard to come by." -The Writing Life by Annie Dillard

Annie Dillard wrote this in the context of scheduling her days as a writer. Sometimes I have a tendency to idealize the big picture without tending to the daily details. This is a good reminder for me to appreciate the structure and schedule in my daily living.

"Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never-in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy." -Winston Churchill

I learned to respect Winston Churchill while growing up largely due to the influence of my cousin, Hyong. He memorized several of Winston Churchill speeches and I loved listening to him recite it over and over again at family parties. I was his only audience. What can I say? I am fond of intellectuals a.k.a. nerds.

All this to say that I ended up using my own version of the above speech repeatedly during the year I led small group for my friends, Susan and Celeste, whose charming company I had the joy of experiencing once again this past weekend in Vegas. "Never ever ever give up," I'd say with an almost vicious conviction, "As long as you don't give up or quit, you will be victorious!" I felt like Brave Heart leading the girls to battle.

I met Susan at Mandalay Bay's Beach Level. They had been at the pool since morning when I arrived there early afternoon. Susan came out to meet me. As soon as she saw me, she started to run and call out my name with a huge smile on her face. It was 115 degrees outside and it was work just to breathe. How could anybody be so happy to see me? Why? Her bright smile and full embrace stirred my heart: you are loved. Two years have already passed since Susan last visited me in California.

"I can't believe you're really here!" exclaimed Celeste. She bragged about me to Erik and Steve to the point of embarrassment - the expression of her affections for me and again my heart echoed softly: you are loved. Why should I be so blessed with so much love?

No wonder my heart longed so much to be reunited with them again.

"Why are you here?" -Emily

I don't know. Why are we here? Just kidding. The question had no philosophical basis whatsoever. Emily was a bit confused today and thought it was Friday. I had taken this Friday off to go to Vegas and meet up with my friends from New Jersey and Chicago. As you know, I was pondering about this opportunity at the beginning of this week but was discouraged at the thought of driving to Vegas by myself in blistering heat, especially since I've been having car problems recently. Then my friends, Erik and Steve, graciously offered to come along and drive. You guys are the best! So I will once again be united with my dear old friends, see their lovely faces, and enjoy their company. And as an icing on the cake, I get to stay with them for free at Mandalay Bay Hotel.

I talked to Susan and Celeste today and they were headed out to Grand Canyon. They had already stopped off at Hoover Dam. Since they were no where near Grand Canyon when I talked to them at 1:30PM, they were probably only able to take in a brief glimpse of the natural wonder. It doesn't matter because they were really doing it for the drive anyway.

I'm so excited to see them!

"I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me." -Psalm 3:5

Being the person that I am, my life is hugely dependent on meaning. There were earlier times when I would have rather chosen to end my life than to live without meaning. I sometimes wonder what this means. But there are days when all that is on one's mind is survival. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, feed yourself, drink something, go to the bathroom, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.... Days when the reason for life is not quite clear - you forget, your mind goes blank, you feel that it's there somewhere but you can't quite put your finger on it. You feel that it will come back to you so you just need to get through the day until it does.

Did my life have meaning today? I spent most of the day thinking of ways to keep myself from being exhausted by the heat. That does not sound too meaningful if you ask me. So then was my life a waste today? I just existed and that's okay. I didn't live my life to the full today and that's okay. I survived and that is enough. I am grateful for the sustainance of my life.

I'm afraid that my idealism has succumbed to the daily grind of reality.

"A bad boy will change a good girl."

That was the description given to the shojo manga i picked up today at Borders called Mars. Mars is not only the name of a planet but was the god of war in mythology. I only got to read about half of volume 1 so I didn't get to the part that gives the reason for the title. I'm assuming that the male main character, Rei, shares similar characteristics to Mars. The real main character is a girl of course since it is a shojo manga. Her name is Kira. She is an outsider at school: quiet, to herself, draws a lot, and is fearful. One clever thing I liked about this manga is that you can read Kira's mind in an assigned large print as scenes are drawn out even when she is not part of them. They also use real life products such as Stussy and Ducati. Rei is a motorcycle racer. (Oh! My brother, Scott, just bought a motorcycle - 2000 Yamaha V-Star, Black and Chrome, 650cc. He's so cool!)

So far Rei does not seem like a bad guy at all. Yeah, he breaks school rules and is unconventional, but he is kind at heart. I only got to half of volume 1 because Joo was getting hungry so we had to leave Borders.

I don't remember the name of the animator.

"Well, I have some bad news and good news. The bad news is that today it is going to be 98 degrees. The good news is that today is going to be the coolest day of the week. The rest of the week will be hotter and more humid." -Lee

Not only did I have to get up earlier than all my other roommates this morning, who are NOT working today (I think they are still sleeping. I just called them at the house and no one is picking up.), but I am greeted with this wonderful news during the morning meeting at 8AM. Ugh...

Last week was a breeze. It was a two day work week for me, thanks to visiting friends and the national Independence Day. This week I am facing a full work week in sweltering heat. Just an hour drive away it is 23 degrees cooler at Huntington Beach today. I am so tempted to take the whole week off and just live at the beach. I was thinking of joining my friends Susan, from NJ, and Celeste, from Chicago, in Vegas this weekend but it'll be even hotter there! My mind feels scorched just thinking about it.

Thankfully, my Chicago weathering experience keeps me from ever noticing the humidity here. Pasadena humitidy is nothing in comparison to Chicago humidity. You just don't feel the showering mist here.

Oh, but I will survive. Yes, with help from a few extra iced grande caramel macchiatos and the office AC, I will survive this fervid weather.

I am however highly doubtful of my productivity this week.