The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

This poem is dedicated to wumanjoo, who unfortunately has more than two roads diverging at any given moment in her life. Thanks to living in the world of innumerable possibilities. I'm sorry that you cannot travel them all, but you are one traveler and can travel only one path at a time. Don't stand too long lest life pass you by. "For even the wise cannot see all ends." I am sure you are enticed by the one less traveled by. Although I cannot say that is the best criteria in making all decisions, it has a definite appeal to ENFPs like us =D

"Why don't you do a rodeo dance for us?" -Gus

When I walked into the office this morning, my co-workers stopped their conversation to make comments about my outfit. One person thought I looked like a cowboy. Another person thought I looked Victorian. You see I wore jeans with a cream colored satin/lace blouse with big poofy sleeves that wrap around tightly at the wrist. One person said it looks like I'm wearing wonder woman wrist bands. I wore the outfit in honor of our poetry reading night that we are having at our house tonight. We even decorated the house with hanging lights, candles, ethnic fabrics, and lots of poetry books! Of course we will have delectable desserts, tea, and wine as well as the company of good friends.

"This was sports too, the grim side of sports, effort and exhaustion and dirt, no spectators and no cheering and no one caring about the outcome but themselves; it was like service to some obscure god, done for its own sake, disregarded by everyone but you." -The Paragon by John Knowles

I'm not serious enough about any sport to really understand this quote. Although recently I've been training for the Yosemite Half Dome hike by hiking at the Heninger Flats. It's a six mile hike but I haven't been able to get to the top yet. I don't realistically expect to get to the top of the Half Dome at this point, but I will at least try.

A friend of mine acquired a free piano so she let me play it this week. She was even generous enough to give me her extra house key so I can play whenever I want. It's been awhile since I felt the ivory keys and I missed it. I actually decided to start working on more challenging pieces for myself. It's difficult for me to put in the effort of practicing something difficult over and over and over without someone forcing me to do it. I get bored after the third time. Anyways, I chose "Claire de Lune" by Debussy and "Nocturne #2 in E minor" by Chopin. It feels good to be working on something. Does anyone have a copy of the Debussy I can borrow? I have the Chopin Nocturne on one of my Horowitz cds, but I don't own any Debussy piano cds. I like to listen to how people play the finished product of the songs as an inspiration when I'm slowly struggling through them.

"But is heaviness truly deplorable and lightness splendid? The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. .... The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into the heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?" -The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

Lightness sounds better than heaviness. But I do not want to be only half real or insignificant. I guess there are benefits to burdens if it causes me to be more real and truthful. I don't see how anyone on earth can live a life of absolute absence of a burden. It's impossible. Maybe the trick is to not even desire a life without burdens. Then when burdens come, you don't deplore them and can even learn to welcome them as an opportunity to find out who you really are.

"Freud had said that when you begin to ask about 'the meaning of life' you are already sick." -Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey

According to the American Heritage Dictionary, the definition of meaning is something that is signified; something that one wishes to convey; intent, purpose. One of the definitions of life is the interval between the birth or inception of an organism and its death. Combining the two definitions the meaning of life would be intent or purpose that one desires to convey during the interval between one's birth and death.

Change

Change.
It's always there.
Without our fascination or interest,
It puts on its ostentation.
Some are caused,
Some just arrive,
Some even unwanted.
It rids of our boredom,
Constantly entertaining us.
Our friend.
Our enemy.

-Zoron

Hmmm...I've been thinking about what's next. Circumstances are forcing me to make a decision sooner that I had originated anticipated. I feel pretty clueless as of now. Another challenge for me to face as well as another opportunity for adventure.

"The most useless day of all is that in which we have not laughed." -Sebasteine Chamfort

I laugh easily. I've had my fair share of nicknames due to this characteristic of mine - Garfield (the big half orange, you can see both rows of your teeth, smile), hyena (which I disliked since they're scavengers and hideous looking), Bubbles from the Power Puff Girls (she giggles a lot), etc.

I remember the day that I visited my Grandpa for one last time here on earth. He had been moved to Fairmont Nursing Home from the hospital. When Young Mi and I got there, they hadn't hooked him up to the feeding tube or the IV. It was good to see him in his natural state. He was barely responsive that day. He had a single occupancy room to himself so it was very quiet. I felt a sudden urge to laugh in his presence. I wanted my Grandpa to hear happy sounds in his last days. So I told Young Mi funny stories and laughed out loud in the sterile room. Maybe it was my way of protesting the gloom and devastation of death. It occurred to me that when people visit Grandpa now the mood is always somber and serious. I wanted Grandpa to remember being happy. That's how I remember him - telling funny stories and laughing. He had a deep hearty slow "haw haw haw" laugh. I wondered if people outside the room would think that I was being disrespectful, but I didn't care. He passed away the next day.

Listen to the Mustn'ts

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me -
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

- Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein

April is National Poetry Month. I like Shel Silverstein's simple, ridiculous, yet profound poems. You can hear the rhythm like a drum beat as you read it. The above poem reminds me not to let negative people keep me from pursuing my dreams even if they're only in my mind. I picture a little child standing with a huge pointed finger shaking in front of him. The child shrinks as each line is said. Then I see a mouth with the pointer finger in a "shhh..." motion and the child's face brightening with a smile as the last secret is shared. It's the secret his heart believed all along.

"Do you want a glass of sherry?" -Joo

Resisting the temptation, I politely declined. It was already late and I've found that I don't sleep as deeply when I have alcohol in my system. I had already drank beer with my tuna sandwich for lunch the same day, accepting Joo's offer. She's been trying these new beers from Trader Joe's. Right now it's Henninger beer. It's pretty light and tastes alright. I can't believe I've already acquired the taste for beer. I remember I couldn't stand it the first time I tried which was just a few months ago. Well, excluding that time I was in London and Paris with my Mom in high school.

Joo has opened up the world of wine and beer to me since I moved in with her less than a year ago. She's getting to be quite a connoisseur. I just know if I like it or not, but I couldn't tell you why. My tolerance has gone up so that I could enjoy a social drink and feel relaxed instead of falling instantly asleep. It's a nice, warm feeling. Oh the joy of wine and beer!

"Jazz will endure as long as people hear it through their feet instead of their brains." -John Phillip Sousa

It's been a rough past few days. My heart is heavy and my thoughts too serious. I yearn for beautiful distractions to remind me why it is good to be alive. I've been listening to Bebel Gilbelto for more than a week now in my car. Jason burned it for me after hearing me listen to Gets/Gilberto. He thought it was the same girl. But the girl who sings in that cd is Astrud Gilberto. I love "The Girl from Ipanema" song. I listened to it on repeat for days. I need to thank Joo for introducing me to that cd and to the world of jazz. Both of these cds are in the style of Bossa Nova. I like it because the sound is soothing and dreamy. I really like dreamy music whether it be jazz, classical, or rock. What do I mean by dreamy music? When I listen to dreamy music, it takes me to another world. I get this feeling - a peaceful, sunny, floaty, open, on high feeling.

I daydream to de-stress. It works for me. I close my eyes and think of myself on vacation. Where I go and what I do depends on my mood at the time. Sometimes I go to a sunny island beach, sometimes to European cities, sometimes even to places I've never been to which takes more imagination - like another planet. Hahaha...

"Do you think they'll give me a free meal for this?." -A lady with bright red hair wearing a thin purple headband with tiny orange polka dots

The French film was delightful and charming. Joo and I even recognized the song in the last scene of the movie, "Sympathetique" by Pink Martini from the "Rendez-vous a Paris" cd that Jason burned me. Afterwards Peter, Melvin, Joo and I went to eat a late dinner at Canter's. For Joo and me, it was our first time there. I went upstairs to the ladies room to find a line of two other women and one empty stall. So naturally I was wondering why they were not using the empty one. My curiosity was soon answered, "That one's broken." Sure enough, I could see that it was flooded as I peak into the stall from the end of the line. Nasty! The lady who was using the working stall came out and one of the ladies in line went in.

The lady in front of me looks down her black cowl neck long sleeve shirt and says, "Don't you hate it when crumbs get into your shirt? It's all stuck right here, " tugging at her bra. Since I haven't had that happen to me before, I just laughed and made no reply. I'm thinking, 'TMI = too much information.' The lady in the working stall comes out and the lady in front of me goes in. She keeps talking to me, "They should have more than one working stall in the ladies room." "Yeah, we should tell someone downstairs that one of the stalls is not working," I reply. "Oh, I was planning to," she says. She flushes the toilet and opens the stall door…holding a plunger she found in the working stall. I'm mildly surprised. "Are you gonna try to fix it?" I ask. "Yeah, I'm gonna give it a shot." Now I'm in the working stall and our conversation continues. "Do you think it'll work?" I ask. "We'll see." I hear swishing noises and after a few seconds flushing. She did it! "Congratulations! You fixed it!" "Yeah, do you think they'll give me a free meal for this?" she asks. "Yeah, they should," I tell her, "I'll be your witness." We say our good byes as I'm finishing up in my stall. I come out, wash my hands, and smile to myself at this unexpected amusing little adventure in the ladies room. I come back downstairs to the dining room area,sit down and recognize the lady sitting across from me in the next booth as the first lady in line in the ladies room. I see her smiling after a brief eye contact and know that she recognizes me too. But since we were getting ready to eat, I keep this bathroom adventure to myself.

Saturday, I went down to Cerritos to eat at the India Restaurant with my Quest buddies. It was the best Indian food I've had so far. Then Joo and I went next door to Ziba's to get our eyebrows threaded as Jenny and Mike looked on in curiosity. Then for dinner, Hannah and I went over to Jason's in Culver City and went to Hama Sushi in Venice for our family night #3. Our chef, Katsu, was great. He told us he was from Okinawa. It was the best sushi I've had so far. What a delightful day of excellent culinary experiences! Then we headed over to the Bookstore Café in Santa Monica. I took a book from there because when I opened the book there was a sticker that said, "If you are reading this book, please finish it at home and mail it to: .…" But when I got home, Joo realized that the address on the sticker had a northern CA zip code. I became an unknowing thief. I guess I'll just give it to Jason when I'm done and he could return it to the café.

Sunday, I went to another film festival, Newport Film Festival, after church. Nick had two comp tickets to "The Power of the Truth According to the Dalai Lama". He is so hooked up. He's always getting all these comp tickets to different events. It's great for me too! He bought me lunch to entice me to go watch the movie with him. I was a bit hesitant because I had a STOMP meeting and wasn't sure there was enough time. But I packed it all in. I need Mondays off to rest from my weekends.

"Doesn't she look different from the last time you saw her? She's gained two pounds already." -Rea

I visited Rea and her newborn daughter Ella today. It's the second time I've seen Ella. The first time was at the hospital, the day after she was born, with Joo, Chuck, and Nan. She was a pretty baby with the most perfect puckered cherry lips and cool mohawk hair. Today she was smirking with the right corner of her mouth as she fell asleep and her hair was flat on her head and getting lighter. Hannah visited her just before me but Ella slept the whole time. Ella greeted me at the door with a bright red face and loud cries. She was hungry! Just like some grown up friends of mine, she gets angry fast when she is hungry and not fed right away. (I am reminding one of my grown up friends even as I write this to eat something before tonight's activity. Lest she inflict terror on the rest of us.) She was soon fed and I held her while she fell asleep. My arms felt like rocks afterwards.

It's interesting to observe Rea going through the changes of becoming pregnant to giving birth to becoming a Mom. She seems the same but different. I was pretty impressed that I not only didn't drop the baby but actually soothed Ella to sleep. I prefer toddlers to babies because they're more sturdy, independent, and you can have amusing conversations with them.

Tonight I'll be going to the City of Lights festival. It's a French film festival in Los Angeles. They're showing " Une Hirondelle a Fait Le Printemps" which means a swallow at the zenith of spring, but the English title is "The Girl From Paris". I'm so excited! I love listening to French and watching foreign films every now and then breaks the monotony of Hollywood films.

"Why did you do all this for me?" he asked. "I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you."

"You have been my friend, " replied Charlotte. "That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that." -Charlotte's Web by E.B. White

Friendship has always been very important to me, almost sacred. My philosophy on meaningful existence that I came up with in the Seventh grade echoes the above sentiment: If I could influence even one person's life in a positive way, my life would have been worth living. I have been very fortunate to receive many blessings in my life from many friends - meals, coffees, wines, bobas, classical music concerts, jazz music and live performances, movies, truffles, dancing, volleyball, books, cds, dvds, conversations, hugs, laughter, tears, prayers, beaches, mountains, travel, etc. But most of all by their love. Thank you!

"Young people - the good ones among the young people - all of them feel here, in their hearts, that they have some - some great - message to deliver. They feel all heavy, loaded with some great thing in themselves. So that is why they hesitate, they are cautious, they doubt, they see many sides. Why? Because they must know exactly where to deliver this great thing they have in themselves, who should they give it to, what is worthy of it, where to plant it!

But somebody like you! You got nothing inside, just big bundles of pig's feet, so of course you have fast opinions, you know all the answers, you know exactly what to do because whatever you do doesn't matter, you got nothing inside to deliver, nothing to loose." -The Paragon by John Knowles

I was reminded of this quote yesterday during the STOMP(short term outreach/mission program) training. When I walked into the room, the teams were separated and having their team discussions. The college team was sitting on the floor and looking much more serious than the rest of the group. One guy had a particularly earnest look on his face with furrowed eyebrows. It reminded me of my own first mission trip to Africa in college. It felt so important, so life-changing. These days my self-importance has decreased quite a bit, but I do still feel this burden sometimes - the burden of some great message. I still hesitate, are cautious, doubt, and try to see many sides. Maybe that is why I even began this blogspot. I'm not sure what the message is exactly or how to express it. It could be spoken, written, painted, played on an instrument, lived out in my life, etc. I don't know. But it's good to know that I have something inside to deliver.

"Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill." -Gildor from The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien

Whenever people ask me for advice, I feel a bit tense. I just don't trust myself. I fear how my advice may actually be taken seriously by someone and affect their decision. I try to be cautious with words when spoken or written to other people. I respect the power of words, verbal and written. I also don't think that my opinions really matter most of the time. I guess I should be thankful that other people think highly enough of me to ask. I strongly dislike telling people what to do. I just don't want to take any responsibility for other people's actions. It's difficult enough taking responsibility of my own choices and actions. But then I guess most people are not asking me to. I take myself too seriously sometimes. Maybe when I'm old and gray, having lived a full life and gained wisdom, I will enjoy giving advice.

There was a brief time in High School when I loved giving advice. All my friends came to me whenever they were having problems and I felt so good giving them advice because I felt like I was helping them. It made me feel important. But then I got tired of being taken so seriously all the time. Even people who I didn’t know well would call me with their problems. So when I got to college, I decided to act like an airhead so people would quit asking me for advice. At least until people bothered to get to know the real me. I guess I haven't changed too much in this area since then. Lately though, I have been telling myself that people sometimes want to hear other view points and see different perspectives in wanting advice. So I should just relax, be honest, and say the most loving thing.

"The beginning is the half of every action." -Greek Proverb

I think of this saying every so often, especially when I am feeling particularly lazy. Being a natural procrostinator who thinks that almost nothing needs to be done right there and then, I naturally have not done my taxes yet which is due in twelve more days now. I am hoping to get it done soon and not wait until the very last minute. This saying has proved true for me. Once I actually begin the activity, even those I dread, I find that it is not too difficult. The momentum builds up to help finish the action.

"I just LOVE the fashion right now! I went to Macy's in New York and saw so many cute clothes!" -Joo

Just like Joo, I too am enjoying the current fashion trends. I am so amused by the billowy sleeves on silky shirts, the peasant tops, the colored suede shirts with eyelet designs, the frilly flowing skirts, etc. I wish I had lots of extra money so I could go shopping and stock up while this trend lasts! It's so fun and romantic, not boring. There are two major motivations in the way I dress - comfort and amusement. Since dressing for amusement requires more thought, effort, and attitude (because people stare), I usually dress for comfort. When I find something that is both comfortable and amusing...I love it! Which my Easter outfit was this year. I wore a white cap-sleeve peasant top with a thin bow in front, a blue/white long flowing tiered skirt with various designs, and of course my three inch high neutral colored slippers. Did I turn heads? Of course! Hahaha…

"…. Only later did I realize that the very things they complained about were their greatest allies. Most people view pain as an enemy. Yet, as my leprosy patients prove, it forces us to pay attention to threats against our bodies. …. I noticed that the symptoms of illness my patients complained about were actually a display of bodily healing at work. Virtually every response of our bodies that we view with irritation or disgust--blister, callus, swelling, fever, sneeze, cough, vomiting, and especially pain-demonstrates a reflex towards health. In all these things normally considered enemies, we can find a reason to be grateful." -Dr. Paul Brand from Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey

What a challenging concept: to view pain as healing and to be grateful for it. I translate this quote to emotional pain more than physical. I recognize truth in this statement in that pain does signal the need for healing. Pain lets you know where you are hurt and where you need healing. Pain recently forced me to pay attention to threats against my emotional and spiritual well being in the area of death and loss of my Mom. I felt irritated and disgusted at the tears, anger, depression, fear, despair, agony, hopelessness, helplessness, and just plain missing her. I am glad that they are reflexes towards health. I do feel healthier already though not completely. I am glad that I did not shrink back or run away this time but faced and stared at this pain in the face. It seems much smaller now and I can even smile at it. It didn't swallow up my life after all.

"For even the very wise cannot see all ends." -Gandalf from The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien

Today is my roommate Joo's birthday. It fits her so perfectly that she was born on April Fool's Day. Not that she's a fool or a joke. Rather she has a heightened sense of humor which I greatly appreciate and a laughter to match which I adore. She's a bit annoyed right now because she thinks that not many of her friends have remembered her birthday. Oh… but even the very humorous cannot see all ends. Little does she know that we have a surprise birthday dinner planned for her this night at the southwestern Gaucho Grill and then a relaxing time of coffee and jazz at the eclectic Equator Café.

On a more serious note... For the most part I accept my limitation of not knowing or seeing all ends. Uncertainties don't unnerve me. I don't need to know everything about my life. I guess I am not a control freak. I like to leave the future as a surprise. It doesn't mean that I don't plan for the future. They are just not set in stone. I try to enjoy the adventures of life. The not knowing the future also helps me to appreciate the present and what I do have now. Today is a gift.