"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." -Proverbs 29:11

I've been thinking a lot about anger these days, being that I was recently a recipient of anger. I have too much self-respect to allow myself to be treated in such a manner especially when it is undeserved and unjust.

Anger is a reactive emotion and cannot help being felt. However, how you handle anger can be chosen. Most anger seems to me to be a reaction to loss of control - over a person or over a situation or over a thing or any combination of them. This kind of anger seems to be a means of trying to exert ones power by force relying on others to cower so you can have your own way. But it is in reality a loss of power and control (not only over another person or situation or thing, but also of oneself), a display of weakness. Many times anger leads to violence. It is a violent emotion. It can end in emotional and/or physical abuse, especially when anger is directed at the defenseless.

When I was teaching, I encountered many children who were the defenseless recipient of anger. My first memory of receiving anger is also as a child from my Dad. I also remember my response, fear.

As for the friend whose anger I received, it happened a few seconds after I prayed that God would make her more like Jesus. I hope that we will both grow as regenerated persons. A lesson in genuine forgiveness and commitment is just as difficult to learn as a lesson in disciplining anger. As for our friendship, I've entrusted it to God and hope for restoration in due time. I must love her like family to not walk away and receive the wounds - to lose her friendship would be more painful. I even have hope that our friendship will grow deeper because of this painful time.

So what is the opposite of anger? I don't think it is patience. It seems more like humility to me.

"Defeat is not the worst of failure,
Not to have tried is the worst failure." -George Edward Woodberry

I agree with the above quote. In reality however, the pain of defeat scares me enough to not even attempt many things. I wonder how many decisions I've made in the past based on the fear of failure. More than I would like to admit I'm sure. I think I fear my own weaknesses, inadequacies, and inabilities the most. The fact that I cannot. But how will I know for sure if I can or cannot unless the attempt is made? I want to make my decisions based upon freedom rather than fear.

"I believe that people can make choices and make them according to their own best aspirations. I also believe that people seldom make these choices. Instead, they blame the world, the society and others for their 'fate' and waste much of their life complaining." -Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen

I wonder why that is. Are we lazy? Are we consumed with the fear of failure? Do we even know what our own best aspirations are?

"And love
Is not the easy thing
The only baggage
That you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on
Walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it

Walk on
Walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to be believed
To be seen

You could have flown away
A singing bird
In an open cage
Who will only fly

Walk on
Walk on
What you got
You can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it

Walk on
Walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
You can only take so much

Walk on
Walk on

Home
Hard to know what it is
If you never had one

Home
I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going

Home
That's where the hurt is

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break

All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind

All that you reason
All that you care

All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
And all that you see

All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate"

-Walk On by U2

Driving on the 210 East on my way to lunch with my aunt, I blast my car stereo with the uplifting tunes from U2 "All That You Can't Leave Behind" album. This is my favorite method of listening to music - driving on a highway all alone in the car. There's something intoxicating about being surrounded only by the sonorous sound of music reverberating in small confined space. I am not one of those to whom music is just a background to my life. Listening to music is not just a matter of hearing it with my biological audio organs but rather absorbing it with all my being. Of course I do not think all music pleasant or aggreable even with my varied moods and preferences in music genre.

I listen to the entire album straight through and I enjoy all the songs with great relish. I feel happy, I feel broken, I feel comforted, I feel hopeful. The cd player returns to track 1 and suddenly I have a strong desire to listen to "Walk On" on repeat, feeling like it's the message that I want to hear right now. I haven't memorized the order of songs yet so I search around for it listening only to the intro to each track. Now that I've decided that I want to hear that one particular song the other songs do not satisfy, although just a few minutes before I thoroughly enjoyed them all. And once the decision was made, there's a sense of urgency I didn't feel before. I apply this logic to other decision making like choosing an ice cream, choosing a boyfriend, choosing a career, choosing life goals, choosing where to live, etc. The reality of exclusion of all other possibilities when making a decision scares me a bit and I feel frozen for a few seconds. 'How immature am I,' I think to myself...still learning to make decisions and stick to its consequences and be content in it.

"We don't do this kind of stuff at our church. We only do godly stuff." -Kaitlyn

Mother's Day this year was uneventful for me. Since my parents live 2000 miles away in Chicago I didn't have the Mother's Day lunch or dinner. But it ended up being a busy day at church with responsibilities not usually my own. I woke up at 7AM to get to church for the first service so I could assist my roommate Susan with her Mother's Day card stamping project for the kids. Kaitlyn was a first time visitor. Then as I was sitting on the foyer floor waiting for third service, I was recruited to collect offering and count attendance. I did have a Mother's Day lunch technically thanks to Jenny who was the only Mom in our midst. We ate lunch at the French Bakery Cafe. The food was deliciously rich.

Mother's Day is bittersweet for me. One of the most vivid memories I have of Mother's Day is a painful one. Freshmen year, away from home and family, walking along Green Street, trying to avert my eyes from the ostentatiously decorated store windows selling all kinds of Mother's Day paraphernalia - balloons, flowers, cards, chocolate, candy, stuffed animals, t-shirts, sweatshirts, etc. My Mom had passed away at the beginning of my Freshmen year in September and I was still agonizing over losing her. All of a sudden, the word "Mom" was ripped away from my vocabulary. I longed to call out to her and sometimes would quietly whisper "Mom" under the covers over and over and over. No one to send a card to, no one to call on Mother's Day, no one to have a meal with.

Then my Dad remarried and once again the word "Mom" was added to my vocabulary. I was so excited with anticipation in being able to use that word again that I started calling her Mom at the wedding. So this year, I have a Mom to send a card to and to call on Mother's Day and say "I love you" once again. It's not the same of course and I miss my first Mom with all my heart. But still, I'm grateful to have my new Mom.

"Half the pleasure of solitude comes from having with us some friend to whom we can say how sweet solitude is." -William Jay

I know it's silly but sometimes I like to go off somewhere by myself without telling anyone where I'm going and turn off my cell phone so no one could reach me. I enjoy being a bit mysterious. Last night was not a success though. My roommates kept asking me where I was going so I just told them. Then I tried to leave before any of their guests came but ended up running into all of them. Oh well...

I went to Borders with my book and journal in hand. Of course, I ended up not reading my book. I picked up a magazine, browsed through a book on classic cars and motorcycles, then finally settled down in a seat by the window on the second floor. These two girls approached me and asked me to their home Bible study. They thought I was a Chinese student from a nearby college. They seemed nice at first but then when I told them that I was already involved in a church group and was too busy to visit theirs, one of the girls said, "You say you're busy but you can always make time." It made me wonder if they belonged to a cult because they seemed too pushy.

Anyways, I finished the magazine after they left, browsed through two books, and decided to change location. I felt like reading children's books. So I went downstairs, picked up "The Tale of One Thousand and One Nights" and "Winnie the Pooh's Poem Collection", and sat down on the carpet in a corner. I was hiding. I read the first three chapters and the last chapter of "The Tale...." because I wanted to find out if she lived or not before departing with the book. I was amused by the fact that I knew where Samarkand is, have seen pictures and been near it because the book made it sound so exotic. I found a poem I liked from "Winnie..." and copied it into my journal. Then Joo and Hannah came by and I drove all of us home.

"I wanna be a wine steward on a cruise ship." -Joo

Our latest next venture option is to travel and work on a cruise ship. Joo's brilliant idea. She had lunch with her friend Suzi who had a layover in LA on her way to NYC from Australia yesterday and has been seething with envy. Suzi also spent a month in Fiji before the Australia stint. She will be heading out to Tanzania to climb Mount Kilimanjaro then to London before settling down in South Korea to work.

"How does she pay for all her traveling expenses?"

"She says it's cheaper to travel than to live in NYC. So she's using her student loan to travel instead."

Suzi is studying at Columbia. She's done more traveling than most people will do in their entire life time according to Joo. Then she had the audacity to tell Joo that most of her friends are even more well traveled. So there are all these other people in Joo's mind who have traveled far more than she has now. More people living and doing what she just dreams of doing!!! Hahahahahaha!!!

"But Joo, she travels ALL BY HERSELF. Can you do that?"

"No cos I'm pathetic. She doesn't like it either but she doesn't want to wait around for other people anymore. But I can't travel by myself so you have to come with me!!!"

Hmmm... Should I? My other options so far are quite boring. There only seems to be lots of administrative assistant jobs around. Granted I get to stay in Southern California which means less transition and more time with my awesome friends here. I know that I have wanderlust just like Joo so maybe I should just do it and get it out of my system so I could finally settle down somewhere without feeling like I'm missing out.

"There must be more to life than just being really really really ridiculously good looking." -Zoolander

Over the past two days, I've been hearing lots of compliments about my physical appearance. All from men. This is the most common compliment I hear and quickly forget. I also wonder about men who use flattery too much. I wonder if they're insecure. I wonder if they're using it hook insecure women. Of course there is a huge difference between genuine compliments and flattery. The best kind of compliments are the ones that express true understanding and sincere appreciation of who you are. I have to say that I remember the ones I receive from children the most: "I love you. You are very nice to me." It warms my heart and sometimes even brings me to tears.

"Joo, I'm only doing this for you." -me

To make Joo happy - this is my only motivation as I kneel on the lavendar (Susan's presence even from all the way in Cherry Hill, NJ!!!) sponge knee protector with the hoe in my gloved hand poking at the hard ground. She's been stressed out for weeks now because she has not been able to work on our backyard due to bad weather on weekends. Finally it's a free Saturday and the sun is shining. Instead of going to the beach, we're at home on our knees doing manual labor. This is not my idea of fun. Since I have no idea what it's supposed to look like in the future (it's all in Joo's head), I just obey Joo and do whatever she tells me to do. We pull out the dead grass and lots of rocks with our hands. The most interesting thing we found was a pretend sheriff's badge. "I guess a little boy must have lived here before," Joo thinks out loud. I'm thinking, 'Why does she assume that it was a boy? It could've been a girl.' I can't help it. It's the feminist in me. If I was a little girl, I would want to pretend to be a sheriff. Oh wait, maybe I'd prefer being the robber =P The most amusing moment was when one of our neighbors belched out really loud while Joo and I giggled quietly. Sunday, we come back home from being at Orange County all day and we're so excited and anxious to check up on our little garden of vegetables. Now that I've invested my time and energy into our garden, I feel protective like a parent against all the stupid stray animals that enter our yard.

GROW VEGGIES GROW!!!
GROW HERBS GROW!!!
GROW ROSES GROW!!!
MAKE JOO AND ME HAPPY AND PROUD!!!

"What transformed a physician and social scientist into a devotee of literature? Cole answers, 'A man like Tolstoy knew more psychology than the whole twentieth-century social science scene will ever know.'" -Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey

This is why I like reading fiction so much better than non-fiction. I realize that it's one person's interpretation on life and relationships in a story. Even when I don't agree with the author's perspective, it's challenging to at least consider his/her point of view. Of all non-fiction categories, I like autobiographies and biographies. If there's a book that has touched you in a special way, I welcome any recommendations =D

"In Tereza's eyes, books were the emblems of a secret brotherhood. For she had but a single weapon against the world of crudity surrounding her:.... They not only offered the possibility of an imaginery escape from a life she found unsatisfying; they also had a meaning for her as physical objects: she loved to walk down the street with a book under her arm. .... It differentiated her from others." -The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

Well, this could sound somewhat arrogant. But doesn't everyone somehow differentiate themselves from others to form their unique identity? I do choose books as part of differentiating myself from others as I'm sure you've noticed.

"Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect some day to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? .... No, .... It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves." -The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

I like the way the author names and describes vertigo. I feel it every now and then - wanting to quit, to hate, to despise, to despair, to fear, to panic, to give into apathy, etc. Moments of weakness when you enjoy feeling weak, when you get sick and tired of putting up a fight and just want to let go of yourself and
f
a
l
l.

Eventually I do fight and defend myself. As long as there is the breath of life in me, I can't give up the goal of "something higher".

"No, it was not superstition, it was a sense of beauty that cured her of her depression and imbued her with a new will to live. The birds of fortuity had alighted once more on her shoulders." -The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

Tereza felt "called by all these fortuities (the book, Beethoven, the number six, the yellow park bench)" to seek Tomas. "It gave her courage leave home and change her fate." This is how she determined her destiny to Tomas. I do like the idea of chance. When it's not forced, so you feel like maybe it was just meant to be. The more bizarre the coincidence the better. The author also points out that there are numerous coincidences everyday in our lives but we do not recognize most of them. I guess it is one's choice to give meaning and beauty to coincidences from the one's past, the values one hold, etc. Also notice how once Tereza recognized these fortuities, she gained courage to let them guide her actions.

"You are concerned with making the right choices about your work. You have so many options that you are constantly overwhelmed by the question 'What should I do and what should I not do?'" -The Inner Voice of Love by Henri J.M. Nouwen

Both my roommate and I are in transition in our jobs right now. So last night as we were going through the Sunday L.A. Times, she came across the career section and on the front page it said "Five Signs That You Are Ready For a Career Change". We identified with one of the five signs. Mine being financially strapped. Then she flipped the newspaper over and said jokingly, "Hey, you could go teach in South Korea! Hahaha!" Even just a few weeks ago, I would have flinched at the idea of teaching not to mention going to South Korea and living there. But for some odd reason, I felt intrigued. The biggest reason being that you could save a lot of money doing it since they pay for your airfare, housing, and vacation. So I would be able to pay off all my debts and save a decent amount of money. Secondly, I have recently been thinking that I want to try teaching outside of the United States. I even thought maybe it would be good for me to live in South Korea for a year so that I could learn to accept my cultural roots better. I know that Hannah and Joo are freaking out right now. I just said maybe. Come on, chill out. Anyways, it's just a thought and an option. But as Henri Nouwen suggests pray with me, "Not my will but Yours be done." Thanks!

"In languages that derive from Latin, 'compassion' means: we cannot look on coolly as others suffer; or, we sympathize with those who suffer. Another word with approximately the same meaning, 'pity', connotes a certain condescension towards the sufferer. 'To take pity on a woman' means that we are better off than she, that we stoop to her level, lower ourselves.

That is why the word 'compassion' generally inspires suspicion; it designates what is considered an inferior, second-rate sentiment that has little to do with love. To love someone out of compassion means not really to love.

In languages that form the word 'compassion' not from the root 'suffering' but from the root 'feeling,' the word is used in approximately the same way, but to contend that it designates a bad or inferior sentiment is difficult. The secret strength of its etymology floods the word with another light and gives it a broader meaning: to have compassion (co-feeling) means not only to be able to live with the other's misfortune but also to feel with him any emotion - joy, anxiety, happiness, pain. This kind of compassion therefore signifies the maximal capacity of affective imagination, the art of emotional telepathy. In the hierarchy of sentiments, then, it is supreme." -The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

Tomas thinks that he loves Tereza because he feels this co-feeling towards her that he has never felt for any other woman. Maybe the better English word would be empathy instead of compassion. Co-feeling is not generally difficult for women. I guess more men find it difficult. Tomas is drawn towards Tereza because of this co-feeling but eventually it becomes a burden. I agree that pity is not love. I think some women have a tendency to confuse pity for love.