Susan's coming back home today! I can't wait to see her, her photos, and hear all the stories.

I just had two of my students rush towards me urgently on the playground. I thought something was wrong, but one of them had just forgotten to bring his homework today. Wow, I must be a scary teacher for them to be so concerned. I would say strict rather than scary.

It's Thursday and I'm already dreaming of the long weekend to come. Not that I have any concrete plans. Today is also the last day of testing. Thank God. Then it's getting ready for Open House.

laguna beach

Family Weekend

We spent a lot of time with Erik's family this weekend. On Saturday, we went to Newport Beach with Hoa, Brian, and Ashley because it was so hot in Arcadia. It was fun watching the kids play at the beach, mostly in the sand. Hoa kept taking Brian down to the water but he was not amused and would run back up to the sand. He gave himself a nice sand massage and the sand clung onto his tiny body with the big belly thanks to the sunscreen lotion. Ashley made two friends and they were running around throwing mud at each other. At night, we had dinner with the whole family.

I enjoy being part of Erik's extended family besides just being his wife. I really missed being part of my huge extended family when I came out to California and it's a blessing to have that be a part of my life again.

Making Erik's Life More Difficult

Today I got up at 5:40 A.M. so that I could get ready and drive myself to work a little earlier than usual to avoid the traffic. I usually carpool with Erik and don't concern myself with the traffic since he's driving but he has a late meeting today and I didn't want to wait around after school. Knowing that I am not fully alert early in the morning, I loaded up my car with my science experiment materials and the corn I cooked for their nutrition lesson last night. As I turned left into the parking lot, I felt so happy that I missed the heavy traffic until I realized that I forgot to bring my gate and room keys. It was in its usual spot, in the little nitch near the door handle on the passenger side of Erik's car. So there I was stuck in the parking lot and too early to go to the office and ask for another set of keys. I had to call Erik and have him come to my school to drop off my keys. I am such a dork. Things like this seem to happen to me too frequently to just simply dismiss it with "Oh, I accidentally forgot...." How did I keep myself alive all this time? I make my own life difficult. Now I'm making Erik's life more difficult too. So sad...

On a brighter note, the first testing week wasn't too bad although we all felt a little drained. I made sure to plan some fun activities this week and it worked. One student was absent all week and I heard some other kids say, "She missed all the fun stuff this week!" We made Native American tribe trioramas, wanted posters with pictures of them looking mean in their cowboy hats and face covered with a bandana, and today we'll be eating corn and doing a moon crater experiment. Yesterday at the Coach party, I ended buying a pretty gaudy looking purse. I've been in that kind of a mood lately. It's small with pink small C prints, white leather with gold trims, and gold buckles.

Yay, today is Thursday! It's almost the weekend! I've been going to the gym everyday this week. I guess I really did have an inner athlete in me. But I won't be able to go today since I'm going to a Coach party. I've already discussed with Erik about how much to spend. That's what happens when you're married, you must make financial decisions together. At least the bigger purchases. I promised that I wouldn't buy anything if I didn't love it. I have been known to buy things just because it's on sale and then not use it. I end up giving it away to other people which makes me feel good but still I'm trying to change.

"I live in a constant state of guilt." - coworker

Above is a quote from one of the older teachers at our school. She went onto tell us that the reason is because she does not have enough time to be a good teacher or a good mother. So she does what she can but it is obviously not good enough for her standards. I also remember talking to Erik's sister-in-law who told me that when her younger son had the same teacher that her older daughter had, she can tell that the teacher was not as good. The reason? You guessed it, she had become a mom since. This is one of the things teachers have to deal with. Right now I don't have the responsibilities of being a mom so I can devote a lot of time to teaching, but who knows in the future? I tell you, only other teachers know how difficult a job it is.

Testing Week

Yes, it's time for the annual state standardized tests and I happen to teach the grade that gets to take not one but two of them. Kids hate them and teachers hate them more. I will be glad for this to be the last time I have to go through this. In preparation for this week, I did only relaxing activities this past weekend. I went hiking to a waterfall, soaked in a jacuzzi with lavender salt, took naps, watched Meet the Fockers, went to church, and practiced my golf swings at the range. I hope that was enough relaxing to keep me sane through the whole week.

For the Last Time

I have already had two careers in my lifetime. One as a teacher and another as a mobilizer. I'm ending my teaching career once again. I hope to never return to teaching, at least in the U.S. public school system. There is something that I cannot grapple with in teaching. The fact that it is IMPOSSIBLE to teach every student everything they need to know. I must deal with this nagging feeling of failure everyday. It gnaws at my self-confidence and humbles me to no end. Often it overshadows the joys of connecting with the students who want to learn. It's the perfectionist in me, always looking where it is lacking. It doesn't matter that other people think that I'm a good teacher. That doesn't ease my nagging guilt for having failed. I have come to terms with it somewhat I guess. I know that all I can do is my best.

As I was preparing my lessons yesterday, I felt a sense of finality; how this will be the last time I copied the comprehension assessments for the Open Court Units, how this will be the last time I put up a bulletin board, etc. And today as I look into the faces of my students, I think of how this will be the last class I will teach. I really want to enjoy these last few weeks of teaching and enjoy connecting with my students.

I'm back at work as of today. It was difficult to get up 3 hours earlier than my usual time but I managed to get here early. I had a long meeting this morning and we have the rest of the day for planning. It's nice to be at school without the kids on your first day back. It feels different to come back to work knowing that I only have 8 more weeks of teaching left. The difference is in the stress level. In fact, I don't feel stressed at all. I hope I'll enjoy my last moments of teaching and do my best.

I didn't do much on my vacation. My favorite thing to do was going to Laguna Beach several times. It's still my favorite beach in southern California. I even began exercising towards the end. I did Core Secrets (yes, from the informertial) and even went to the gym once for a yoga class. I also went to the golf range several times and even went on a par 3 course twice. I want to be more active. I need to find my inner athlete.