"You don't have to be a gun! You can choose who you want to be!" -Hogart Hughes from the Iron Giant

And who did the Iron Giant choose to be? He chose to be Superman and save the world. The movie isn't clear about where the Iron Giant came from or who made him. It kind of implies that he was made by the Russians for evil purposes but the Iron Giant foiled their evil plot by choosing to do good instead with the love of Hogart who taught him what is good.

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"I'm grateful for the sun. I'm grateful for the moon. ...." -John Cusack's character in America's Sweethearts

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

John Cusack's character was given the above "grateful" treatment to combat his depression after his sweetheart broke off with him after years of successful movie making together. He would always start with the same two lines which I liked because I am genuinely appreciative of the sun and the moon as well.

I'm a natural grouser. It definitely takes conscious effort and work on my naturally bad attitude self to help me become aware of all the things that I am thankful for. I guess it's a matter of focus. If I focus on all my have nots and am nots, I become unsatisfied, depressed, and self-pitying. But if I focus on my haves and ams, I am amazed at how much I have and am that are good and undeserved. So I'm still trying to be more focused on the good and be grateful.

This year I'll be spending Thanksgiving at my Auntie Sinduk's house in Anaheim with my brother Scott. My aunt is an amazing cook (I guess that gene doesn't run in the family. Maybe it's more of a learned thing.) so I'm sure my stomach will be enlarged and deeply satisfied. They also have a pool and jacuzzi in their backyard to help us relax after the feast. Nice...

Oh and HAPPY BIRHTHDAY PATTY on this Thanksgiving Day!!!

"Whether your faith is that there is a God or that there is not a god, if you don't have any doubts you are either kidding yourself or asleep." -Wishful Thinking by Frederick Buechner

I believe that God exists, most of the time. I believe in the God of the Bible, the infinite being whom I cannot fully comprehend, who is worthy of my love, obedience, and worship. But every now and then I have my moments of questioning my own beliefs, not just about the existence of God, still this particular doubt disturbs me the most because no other belief I hold if proven false would throw my life into utter chaos. When questions about God arise in my heart, I feel strangely guilty for doubting someone who has done so much for me. Yet the doubting becomes simultaneously the seeking of God, a hungering and longing to know Him more. I used to wonder if I was really a Christian each time I questioned God. Isn't faith supposed to be an absolute believing? So far the reality of my relationship with God has been a coexistence of faith and doubt, seeking and learning, asking and receiving, believing that God exists because it is much more difficult for me to believe that He doesn't.

I was dutifully watering our patches of lawn and backyard several days ago just letting my mind wander when the question "Why do I believe in God?" came to me. My initial response was, 'Oh no, not again. Why can't I settle this once and for all? Why does it always seem to resurface? Ugh...' Then my thoughts went to all those people who do not believe in God whose lives seem no less difficult or easier than mine. 'Why do we need God?' To be honest with you, at this point I shut down my questions, turned to myself sternly and said, 'Oh Lauren. Just choose to believe. Don't get into all this again. I'm tired.'

One of the anchors in my belief in God is the truths of the Bible. When I read the Bible and it claims a certain truth I was not aware of before I think about it and apply it to what I know about people, life, and the world to see if it has been true. So far this process has affirmed my faith.

"Does it feel like it's going to be Thanksgiving in a few days to you?" -Scott

"Yeah," I promptly responded, "because it is going to be Thanksgiving in a few days."
"Not really," Joo followed unenthusiastically.

I woke up this morning from another one of my flying dreams. I have them pretty often. When I first started having them, I had difficulty taking off because I lacked the confidence. But now I am quite comfortable flying at will. I didn't enjoy this flying dream as much though because I was being chased which made me feel anxious because I almost got caught a few times, one time I had to make a last minute escape by crashing through a window. I never know in these chasing dreams who is chasing me or why, just that I don't want to be caught. Another recurring theme in my dreams these days have been houses. They look like small to mid-sized houses but when you go into them they are unending, one extremely spacious room after another come up. Which leads to another recurring theme, pianos. Many of these expansive rooms have pianos of different sizes and styles, some are small uprights with only four octaves, others are gigantic grands with well over the normal eighty-eight keys. I love these rooms and try to sit on each bench to experience the piano unless of course I'm being chased and need to make a quick get away.

When I woke up, I wondered if I'm feeling discontent with my current living situation which is a bit cramped and far from being spacious so I consciously lifted up a prayer of thanks for the roof over my head, the nice clothes I have to wear, and all the food that we have in the house so that I don't need to wonder when I will be eating next.

As for the upcoming holidays, I no longer feel the need or the desire to FEEL like it's Thanksgiving or Christmas. When the day comes, it is and that's a fact no matter how I'm feeling. Although it would be nice to have the appropriate weather to go with the holidays, autumn foliage fluttering in the crispy cool air for Thanksgiving and white fluffy fresh snow falling from a clear sky on Christmas.

Scott, my younger brother, is making his way to California this week. He left our childhood home of Chicago this Tuesday morning at 6A.M. all by himself, entertaining himself with the old tapes he found in the basement and a book on tape he borrowed from our brother-in-law Bertram. I called him twice on Tuesday because I was concerned about whether Jared, my old red 1990 Honda Civic Hatchback, was going to be able to bring Scott safely to California on the long road trip. He drove through Nebraska and made it to his destination Denver by nightfall to spend a few days visiting his friend. I spoke to him again today and he is now in a little known town called Tuba, AZ visiting some more friends. He must be getting tired of the lonely road trip because he decided to forego the stop over in Vegas and just come straight to California.

It was amazing how quickly everything worked out for Scott to come out and live in California for the next four months. I was having lunch with my friend Elliott and found out the they had another room available to rent, told Scott about it since he had expressed interest in living in the West Coast before, and next thing I know he's packing up his belongings in Chicago. He had some time to spare and needed something to do to allay his ennui before heading out for his Peace Corp assignment next April. It'll be interesting to have him be a part of my life in California. I hope all my friends will love him like I do. I'm looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with him here too. Too bad he sold his motorcycle, I could have gotten rides in the still gorgeous Southern California weather!

I woke up late this morning (I can do that since I don't have a job to wake up early for.) and got ready to go out to lunch. After the usual shower and getting ready routine, I leaned into the bathroom mirror to do the last look over and what do I see? A forest growing right above my eyes. Dang! I need to tweeze my eyebrows again! But since I'm not anal about my eyebrows and I was very hungry, I postponed the tweezing ritual for another time.

I remember the first time someone pointed out my need to tweeze my eyebrows. It was my next dorm neighbor Joanne in my senior year in college. Her eyebrows were meticulous and perfectly shaped. She gave me a demonstration and then even plucked my bushy eyebrows for the first time ever. It left the area of my eyes red and throbbing. Then she told me that I would have to pluck my brows every other day to keep it in perfect order. Every two days! Is she crazy? No wonder she had perfect eyebrows! I've disciplined myself to do it when I notice the unruly hair growth spreading out the eyebrow path which unfortunately happens every week.

My eyebrow hero is this lady named Rosemary who was a substitute teacher where I worked. She was in her late forties. I'm not sure how we got into the topic of tweezing our eyebrows but she told me that she no longer needs to pluck. Her stray eyebrow hairs don't grow anymore after years of tweezing. I really want to believe in her story. Even now I remember her every time I pluck and tell myself that I will not need to pluck forever. This too shall pass someday....

I watched "8 Mile" over the weekend. It put me in a curiously serious mood afterwards. I envied the main character's passion for music. Reminded me of a friend of mine whose passion is also music though in a different genre. Although most things in life seem meaningless in the face of death, our passions give meaning to our living. It helps you deal with the mundaneness of living the everyday life. It gives you focus and maybe even purpose albeit temporarily.

"'And we shouldn't be here at all, if we'd known more about it before we started. .... The brave things in the old tales and songs, Mr. Frodo: adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of a sport, as you might say. But that's not they way of it with the tales that relly mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually--their paths were laid that way, as you put it. But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn't." -Sam Gamgee in the Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien

I finished reading the Two Towers before the movie version comes out on December 18th (This is what happens when you live in L.A. You memorize movie opening nights because it is vital to living a fulfilled life.). Book Two is the least exciting out of the three, but the ending was totally unexpected. I finished this one in two and a half weeks. I read it almost every free time I had available.

Now I'm reading a non-fiction book. I'm trying to be like Joo and alternate fiction and non-fiction books. It takes me so much longer to get through a non-fiction book. I think part of the reason is because non-fiction books that I read are usually about abstract ideas so there's no mental movie playing in my head.

It happened again. For the past two weeks I kept wondering how Jessica was doing. But I didn't call her. I couldn't call her because I didn't have her new home number. I misplaced it and couldn't find it. I did make a couple casual attempts at searching for it without any success. So for the past two weeks, Jessica would randomly come into my thoughts and I would wonder how she was doing. And then it happened. SHE called ME.

It's almost like telepathy. I think about someone often and somehow our connection is reestablished. It happens often enough for me that once I start noticing that someone is on my thoughts for awhile, I expect to run into that person somewhere or receive a call.