"Now when Jesus heard it, He withdrew from there in a boat, to a lonely place by Himself; and when the multitudes heard of this, they followed Him on foot from the cities. And when He went ashore, He saw a great multitude, and felt compassion for them, and healed their sick." -Matthew 14:13,14 (New Standard American Version)

What did Jesus hear that made him withdraw to a lonely place by himself? He heard news that his cousin, John the Baptist, was beheaded by Herod's orders. I suppose he was saddened by the news. I wonder did he miss John?

I haven't had any time to be alone since news of my aunt's death. My friend Susan and my roommie's brother Sammy were visiting and both stayed with us at our tiny house. Having no bedroom in the house with all these people makes for no privacy. We also had family gatherings that lasted three days for the funeral related activities. I visited my Uncle again on Sunday to have dinner with him. I am very concerned for his loneliness. I remember that when my Mom died, it was the most painful for my Dad. I could hear him crying in his bedroom. I could see him walking around the house listlessly. He had lost his life companion of 19 years. I think he had forgotten how to live life alone. My Uncle told me that he had made a 20 year retirement plan together with my Aunt. Now what?

I read in a book recently that the most difficult thing after losing a loved one is to come back to the land of the living. Your longing for the loved one also makes you long for death more than life. I feel like I've only started to make this journey back to the land of the living consciously since this past March. Somedays it takes great effort. Somedays it is effortless. Then again, I guess life is hard for everyone. Somedays more than others. Life is hard, but God is present. Life is painful, but God is tenderhearted. Life is very hard, but God is always good. Maybe not good to me in ways I would like, but always good in His character.

Today is my friend Hannah's birthday. It is a day to celebrate her life. My goddaughter Jessica also called me and bragged about her precious newborn son. I guess life goes on. They rebuilt Rome. I hope God will harvest my vacant lot of a life.

I don't know how Jesus had the emotional strength to have compassion on the crowd that followed him, without even asking him by the way so they were basically intruding. Maybe because he allowed his pain to share their pain. I'm not there yet. I tend to become very selfish in my pain. But I guess I need to change. I want to change. But I do think that I need to withdraw by myself to a lonely place too.

"12:48PM"

My friend Susan's US Airways flight arrived at LAX Saturday afternoon. I got to arrival gate by 1PM and no sight of Susan. I was told to move because I was parked on the yellow zone, only for cabs. But they are being really strict about passenger pick up at LAX due to the whole terrorist thing so I ended up driving around the airport five times before she was able to come out after filling out the missing baggage form. What a way to start her visit. I was planning on taking her to the beach straight from the airport but we had to return to Pasadena to wait for her baggage so we headed over to Saladang for a late lunch and then came home. We made possible evening plans but they never came to be. After nine calls to numerous 800 numbers, her baggage finally arrived at 12:51AM. We spent the whole day waiting for her bag. I guess we really believed that it will come.

I spoke to my Dad and he will be flying into LAX with my Aunt on Tuesday. The funeral is on Wednesday and then my Dad and Aunt will leave on Thursday. Lessons I've been learning from my Aunt's death: Reconciliation is important, especially among family members. Life is too short to hold grudges. Life is very short period.

"Jeehae-yah, I have bad news. Your eldest auntie died this morning." -Mom on voicemail

About 10 minutes ago, I just received this message on my voicemail. In shock, I immediately called my Mom and she answered. She told me that my Aunt passed away this morning of stomach cancer. My cousin, Su, had called me earlier this week to let me know that my Aunt had received a cancer diagnosis but that they were going to go for a second opinion. How could death have come for her so fast? It seems so sudden.

I called my Uncle, whose voice I have not heard in three years yet I recognized it right away. He sounded bewildered yet matter of fact, the way people do when they have lost all control and are trying to regain normalcy. He told me that...(Sorry, I just broke down and sobbed. It just hit me. I think I was initially just too stunned. I am more sad for my Uncle and my cousins, Helen and David, who have lost their wife and mother. I mourn their loss and share their pain.)...my Aunt passed away 6AM today morning. He said that he wanted to see me and told me to call him back on Sunday when he will know the finalized funeral schedules and we said good-bye.

I will be attending her funeral sometime next week.

"Alexandria, no running around!!!" -frustrated mother

There I am at Siam's House, eating a peaceful lunch with Sherman before being dropped off at O'Hare for my trip back to California. The restaurant is quieter than usual because we are eating a late lunch thanks to the horrendous Chicago traffic Sherman got caught in. Unfortunately, the pad thai was not upto its usual delectable par. Maybe they hired a new chef. Ahhh...but the thai iced coffee was still the same, still the best I've ever had.

In comes an asian family - father, mother, and child. The little girl has an unusually low husky voice with which she excitedly points to the aquarium yelling out, "Fish! Fish! Fish!" The dad is following closely behind her and scoops her up in his arms so that she can have a better view. At one glance, I decide that they are Korean by the way they are dressed. Sure enough, I hear the mom and dad speaking korean to each other. As they take a seat, the little girl (looked about 2 years old) starts running around wildly through the entire restaurant still screaming, "Fish! Fish! Fish!" She is not ready to take her seat. The mom yells out the above quote but does not get out of her chair. The little girl ignores her mom's command and continues to run wild.

It is extremely difficult to be a parent. I don't even know who came up with the phrase "keeping your child under control." There is no such thing. Well, at least not all the time. Sometimes by pure luck you get a child who is not too head strong and is compliant. Sometimes you don't. It takes so much more work to take care of a strong-willed child. But all children are precious and should be loved and properly taken care of.

When I see moms, I sometimes wonder what kind of a mama I would be or rather I would like to be. Definitely not the yelling kind, but I'm sure I will have my moments. Definitely not the smacking kind. I mean I believe in corporal punishment but I hate seeing parents whack their kids around in public, especially on their heads. I also notice the moms' body shape and dress. I hope I can get back to my normal shape. I hope I will still dress for comfort and for self-amusement. Most of all, I hope I can keep my cool and be more patient than I ever thought possible.

*All quotes below are from The Storm by Frederick Buechner.

"'The trouble is I have always been able to imagine almost anything. It has been my downfall.'" It had also been his strongest suit and, before scandal drove him into exile, the way he had made his mark on the world. It was what had led him to become a writer or, as he preferred to put it sometimes, a 'delusionist,' which struck him as less pretentious. He thought of himself as a man who wrote because he couldn't think of anything else to do with his delusions."

I think I am quite delusional myself. I've learned to live in reality but it's a relief to escape from reality every now and then into the world of fantasy and imagination. It doesn't even have to be my own. I can enjoy another's delusions just as much as my own. I sometimes attempt to write down my delusions...just for myself. I must say that it is therapeutic.

"As he saw it, it wasn't that God so much as dreamed of asking such outrageous things of them, which would make him even more outrageous than they were, but that they did them for him because they couldn't find anything else that cost so dear and would thus seem so precious either in his sight or theirs. Watching them became for him like looking out the window at a swarm of zanies running around the street below in a frenzy of excitement over something that they were all pointing at in the sky but that, because of the overhang of the roof, he himself was unable to see. So what he eventually did, in effect, was to come down into the street to find out for himself what all the excitement was about. Or, as Willow put it years later, he went off the deep end."

Once in a blue moon I have an urge to give to God that which would cost me the most as an expression of my love for Him. It's when I'm struck with the realization of what an incredulous thing God has given me which cost Him the most - His one and only Son, Jesus Christ. I hope I too can help someone to go off the deep end one day.

"Saints were so beautiful, he told them, that even the ugliness of the people who did terrible things to them faded away around them, the way darkness fades away when you turn on the light."

This reminds me of all the martyrs who died for their faith, especially those who loved the Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love.

"Nevertheless it had happened, and by calling it miraculous she sensed the working of some behind-the-scenes power that now and then made things happen in a way that was different from the way they would have happened otherwise."

Miracles are cool. I hope to experience much more of them in my life.

"Who could say in what ways they might be a comfort to each other or to what extent they perhaps needed each other more than either of them knew?"

It is never a waste to build relationships with people, no matter how insignificant it seems.

"But then the complete impossibility of the thing struck her. It would be impossible enough simply to get into the boat without making a fool of herself or breaking her neck or both, and all the more so to go sailing with a handsome young man while Dalton, with his briefcase on his knees, talked to her about death."

This quote made me laugh out loud, the ludicrousness of it.

"What was he doing indeed, he wondered, for God's sake or anyone else's? The words he had written, the whole interminable letter, suddenly struck him so utterly pointless that on impulse he pushed one of the forbidden keys at the bottom of the keyboard that he had never dared push before. There was a sound like a bowstring snapping, the picture of an exploding bomb appeared out of nowhere, and the screen went blank. .... In erasing it for good, maybe he had set it free to make its way somehow to Kia. For all he knew, maybe he had set Kia free too and himself along with her. Already it was as though a great weight had fallen from his shoulders, and he sat there for a while just enjoying it."

This whole book was about forgiveness. Kenzie Maxwell was finally able to forgive himself at the end. I was glad.

Me: Nikki, your face is really red!
Nikki: I'm from AZ. I'm just tanned. (Giggles)
Yums: Oh, I'm feeling light headed. I think I better stop drinking. (After 4 sips of her Cape Cod)
Su: Oh my gosh, you are bright red. And your speech is slurred.
Me: I can't believe it. I'm holding my drink the best. That is pathetic. (As I down my Fuzzy Navel and finish off Yums' Cape Cod)

Mrs. Kaneshiro: Young Mi is such a nice girl. (As Scott is walking her down the aisle at the wedding ceremony)
Scott: No she's not. Wait until you get to know her better. Hahahahahaha...

Mrs. Kaneshiro: You're so adorable! (At the reception)
Scott: I know.
Mrs. Kaneshiro: (Becomes speechless and walks away)
Scott: Man, all this joking around is really gonna get me in serious trouble one day.

Bert: Does Young Mi always dance like that?
Me: Oh no, she's usually more wild. Her wedding gown is restraining her right now.