They Sure Grow Fast

A week ago, I ran into a friend who had a baby four months ago. I got her baby announcement card with the picture of her newborn months ago. Well, her baby sure has grown big and chubby within the four months. She didn't look anything like her newborn picture. I also went to visit a friend who had a baby seven weeks ago and her baby has also gotten bigger and chubbier than the last time I saw him just two weeks ago.

I guess babies really do grow up fast and change. I hope I can savor and enjoy each day with our baby instead of just being too tired or cranky. Sadly, one of my first thoughts when I found out I was pregnant was, 'I have five years of suffering before I can send the kid to school and have at least a part of my own life back.' I am so selfish. Sigh...

On a different note, I'm actually planning on watching the Super Bowl this year. The last time I watched an entire Super Bowl game was in 1985 when the Chicago Bears played against the New England Patriots and the Bears won! I saw the NFC championship game and was surprisingly thrilled when the Bears won and made it to this year's Super Bowl. I even choked up. I think it must be due to my pregnancy hormones. Although I'm not a big sports fan, I still feel a sense of loyalty to the Chicago teams. I hope the Bears win!

Reading While I Can

As part of my new year's resolution, I decided to read a book a month. At least until the baby comes out, then who knows if I'll have the time or the energy to enjoy reading. For January, I read For One More Day by Mitch Albom which I got as a Christmas gift from Jean. Below are some quotes that I particularly related to.

"Mom?" I whispered.
I hadn't said it in so long. When death takes your mother, it steals that word forever.
"Mom?"
It's just a sound really, a hum interrupted by open lips. But there are a zillion words on this planet, and not one of them comes out of your mouth the way that one does.

I remember the first time this realization hit me. It was maybe two weeks after my mom's death, I was taking a break from studying in a friend's dorm room on her top bunk bed when the phone rang. Her mom had called to check up on her and to do some good old loving nagging to which my friend responded in an exasperated sigh, "Oh Mom." I covered my head with the comforter and silently wept.

Soon another human being will call me "Mom."

"You know, for three years after I married your father, I wished for a child. In those days, three years to get pregnant, that was a long time. People thought there was something wrong with me. So did I."
She exhaled softly. "I couldn't imagine a life without children. Once, I even...Wait. Let's see."
She guided me toward the large tree on the corner near our house.
"This was late one night, when I couldn't sleep." She rubbed her hand over the bark as if unearthing an old treasure. "Ah, still there."
I leaned in. The word PLEASE had been carved into the side. Small crooked letters. You had to look carefully, but there it was. PLEASE.
...
"What is it?"
"A prayer."
"For a child?"
She nodded.
"For me?"
Another nod.
"On a tree?"
"Trees spend all day looking up at God."
...
"So," she said, moving away, "now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of themselves as a burden instead of a wish granted."

I hope I can see our new baby as a wish granted always.

...Sharing tales of those we've lost is how we keep from really losing them.

I can't say the I've yet to share stories of my mom's life. Maybe that will be the next phase of my healing process. To tell you the truth, it's been half a lifetime now since my mom passed away and I'm not sure how much of her life I really remember.

"You become a parent the moment you get pregnant." - Jesga

The first time I even journaled about my pregnancy was at 14th week of the pregnancy. I didn't want to emotionally invest in the baby any more than I already was due to the fear of miscarriage. It had taken us awhile to get pregnant in the first place and I didn't want to get my hopes up. The first trimester was a mix of extreme emotions - excitement and fear.

Now that I'm half way over with my pregnancy, I still worry about the baby. Am I giving enough nutrients to the baby? Will the baby be healthy? I'm not paralyzed by anxiety but I'm already beginning to understand why parents, especially mothers, say that they are always concerned and worried for their kids.

Poor Erik has had to hear about all the little aches and discomforts of my pregnancy thus far. From nausea to not being able bend over the sink to wash my face. I wanted to share as much of the pregnancy experience with him as possible but I also just love to complain. Then a few weeks ago, he finally told me that my pregnancy is not so bad, just normal so I should be more thankful. Of course I could just chuck this up to him being male and having no clue as to what I'm going through, but I reminded myself that this is one of the reasons why I married him. Because he didn't cater to me but had the balls to admonish and correct me when I need it. And I am aware of my tendency to wallow in self-pity and relish in complaining. So that's what I'm working on these days - having a thankful attitude. I wish I was a grateful person naturally, but it takes work.

Happy New Year!!!

I spent the new years day doing mundane things around the house. I woke up and ate oatmeal with brown sugar and a gala apple for breakfast while watching a Care Bears movie with my nephew and niece. Then I showered, ate lunch while talking with my sister-in-law, and played Lincoln Logs with my nephew. After they left, I cleaned up my desk while listening to some classical music. Ever since college days listening to classical music gets me in the mood to clean and organize. It sure feels good to have an uncluttered desk.

The biggest thing I'm looking forward to this new year is having a healthy pregnancy, labor, and baby. It will be a life changing year for sure.